They should really pass out barf bags in church
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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