I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
