the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
