you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
