Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Use "feeling words"
Yay
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
