a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize