So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
