I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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