Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
