a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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