This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
