Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
