You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
