i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
