A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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