i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
