A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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