nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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