Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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