You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
sarcasm needs its own font
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
