My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize