I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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