i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
