i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
