I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
