If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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