my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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