I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
