I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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