One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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