Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
