Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
