i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am available for nakedness
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
