I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
