i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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