i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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