She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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