Screwed.edu
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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