2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
