I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize