CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
