In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
