just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize