i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
