Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
