Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
