she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
