John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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