Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
