He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
