Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
