Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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