My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
