I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Randomize
