just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
