Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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